The Edfather
by Legacy of the Phoenix
Summary: In exchange for a fee, Eddy does various favors for the cul-de-sac kids. The Godfather directed by Francis Ford Coppola. Ed Edd n Eddy created by Danny Antonucci.


We open with a reluctant Edd, wearing safety gloves and a gas mask, placing a pebble in one of Ed's shoes.

"…listen to the sound of my voice." Eddy uses the hypnotizing wheel on Ed.

"Mmm!" Ed grins; his eyes being a reflection of the spinning wheel.

"Put your shoe on." Eddy orders.

Ed slips on the pebbled shoe.

Creak! Bounce! Twist! Ed does numerous zany bodily contortions until he stands up straight and still. His face is now as angry and stoic as it was in **Little Ed Blue** , but he remains calm and quiet. Interestingly, his eyes are not completely white. The pupils are still in place.

"Ooh, this is gonna be fun!" Eddy rubs his hands together in excitement.

"While this is not a step too far, I must admit, this idea of yours is certainly one of the less upstanding ones." Edd sighs exasperatedly.

"Seriously. I'm startin' to think I need to carry a dictionary with you around." Eddy shakes his head. "Now, let's get started!"

Eddy chuckles ecstatically when he looks around in his _Closet of Dreams_.

Sometime later, in Eddy's mostly dark, barely lit garage, Eddy himself sits at a makeshift office desk as he wears a black suit with a fake red rose and a thin mustache on his face as an indifferent Edd sits in the back reading the script for **Ed Edd n Eddy's Big Picture Show** under a lamp. Before Eddy stands a nervous Jonny.

"…so, you see, Eddy. Unless I give a "public decoration of love" for May, she'll turn Plank over to the Chainsaw Gang. I need…I need help. I need you to find him." Jonny kneels and holds up five dollars.

Eddy takes the money, smells it, and sighs in content. He then clears his throat and walks over to Jonny, "Don't worry about a thing, Jonny-boy. We'll take care of it."

Eddy opens the garage door with his remote, allowing a grateful Jonny to leave. He closes it and turns to Edd, "Hey, overachiever. Tell Ed to shake some trees and find that half-pint fencepost. And deal with the Kanker if he has to."

"And risk undoing the effort we made to ensure that the sisters no longer hold amorous feelings for us?" Edd points out.

"Tell him to be careful." Eddy shrugs. He then smells his fake red rose.

* * *

Ed tracks down Plank at **The Old Abandoned House** , where Plank, with his "mouth" gagged, is surrounded by the Chainsaw Gang (five different chainsaws with sinister faces drawn on each of their handles).

BOWL! Ed charges in and grabs Plank as he knocks the Chainsaw Gang in different directions to a bowling ball sound effect. He incidentally also destroys the support beam to the house, which leads to it collapsing completely! The resulting force creates a breeze that blows all of the dandelions outside of the home throughout the air in different directions.

Jonny and Plank are reunited and play on the teeter-totter on **T** **he Playground**.

* * *

A little bit later that same day, Rolf approaches Eddy in his garage, having caught word from Jonny about his services. He is frustrated and covered with dirt and kiss marks and yet, he remains respectful towards Eddy. Edd is again quietly reading the BPS script in the background.

"…so you see, he-whose-lip-sports-premature-facial-hair Ed boy, the Marie Kanker girl's relentless pursuit of Rolf has severely hindered his work and put him at the mercy of Papa and Nana, yes?" Rolf hands Eddy five dollars.

Eddy sniffs the bill, sighs in content, and walks up to Rolf, "Consider it done, Stretch."

* * *

Ed, disguised in all black, finds Marie waiting for Rolf on his farm and proceeds to break out the "Danger" box from **Shoo Ed**.

CRACK! Ed cracks his knuckles.

RUMBLE! All of the animals on Rolf's farm stampede in fear!

"What the-?" Marie stands up in shock. "Hey!"

Ed then picks up Marie and throws her into the "Danger" box before all of the animals run inside as well, thus squishing her!

"Agh! Let me out of here!" Marie shrieks!

Ed proceeds to lift the "Danger" box and go off the farm with it.

* * *

Later on, it is Jimmy's turn to seek a favor from Eddy in his garage, having become wise to Rolf and Jonny's positive word-of-mouth. His jittery, cowardly demeanor quickly begins to wear on Eddy's patience even as he listens to his problem.

"…I-I need this, Eddy! I-It's not fair! I don't know what to do!" Jimmy whines.

"I do. You can ACT LIKE A MAN!" Eddy walks up to and wedgies Jimmy. He proceeds to mock him as he fakes crying. "Whah! I want that part in the play! Whah! Sarah didn't help me this time! Whah! Whah! Pathetic."

Edd, finishing the final page of the BPS script, turns away from Eddy's harshness in disgust.

Jimmy suddenly ceases crying when Eddy puts his hands on his shoulders, "I'll take care of this. But you can't keep this wimpy stuff up every time you don't get your way. You'll get the lead part by the end of the week."

"Too late." Jimmy remarks. "Rehearsal starts Thursday. The stage manager won't budge by then."

"Yeah, he will." Eddy raises his eyebrow. "I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse…after my fee."

Jimmy hands Eddy five dollars.

* * *

Somewhere in the neighborhood, Ed, still wearing all-black, tiptoes away from a house that he had forced himself into.

Inside a bedroom of said house, a silhouetted child notices something beneath his bed. He begins pulling the cover off of the bed as suspenseful music plays and builds in the background. He pulls off the cover all the way, revealing a small version of the _El Mondo Stink Bomb_!

GABOOM! PFFFFFT! Before the silhouetted child could scream, the bomb explodes, causing the entire home to become filled with a potent green mist of horrific foulness! The silhouetted child's hand slides down a window before he drops.

* * *

In Eddy's living room that same day, all three Eds are there.

"Another satisfied customer, Eddy." Edd hangs up the phone. "Jimmy has received the lead role in our school's forthcoming play."

"Yeah, yeah. If there ain't nothin' else, I'd like to get to the Candy Store!" Eddy greedily looks at the fifteen dollars he received today. He then looks to the stoic Ed and snaps his fingers, "Be happy!"

Ed comes out of his hypnosis and blurts, "Bacon tastes better with syrup!"

"You honestly do not find anything demoralizing about this?" Edd asks Eddy, referring to his manipulation of Ed.

"Heck no." Eddy vehemently replies, "Ed wrecked our last two scams. We ain't goin' backwards. Now, let's get goin'!"

Edd sighs as he rolls his eyes to follow his friends.

"Nothing says hotdogs like buns!" Ed follows.

"Shut up, Ed!" Eddy barks.

* * *

The following day, Nazz and a typically cynical Kevin stand before Eddy in his garage. Ed stands beside Eddy with a stoic facial expression. Edd sits in the background reading a revised version of the BPS script.

"So, like, can you help me, dude?" Nazz waves five dollars in front of Eddy as she also strokes his mustache in flirtation.

"Hmm." Eddy looks down in nervousness. "For you, I'll even cut the price in half. Consider it done."

Nazz hugs the sweating Eddy and walks out of the garage.

"That half-off better be for everyone." Kevin folds his arms.

"Nah. For you, it's full price…plus interest." Eddy remarks coldly.

"What?!" Kevin shouts.

"I know why you're here." Eddy explains, "I can smell Lee all over you. Thing is, me and the boys worked hard to get her and her sisters to back off. What you're about to ask might foul things up for us. So, yeah, there's interest."

Kevin grabs Eddy by the suit jacket, "Listen, Vito Dorkyone…hey!"

Ed, back under hypnosis, easily picks up Kevin by his head to separate him from Eddy. Kevin tries to kick Ed away, but the impact does not take and he is pounded to the ground by the much stronger Ed.

"Get him outta here. Then take care of Nazz's problem." Eddy orders.

Ed complies by dragging the battered Kevin out of the garage.

* * *

That same day, Ed, wearing his typical attire, solves Nazz's problem; helping her haul a massive bag of hair products in her house.

* * *

"Dagh!" Kevin, his face covered with kiss marks, runs into his house and barricades the door with all of his furniture.

"Stop teasing me, Kev!" Lee breaks through the window on Kevin's house and continues to pursue him.

"Back off, man! Back off!" Kevin picks up a hammer in fearful defense.

Lee takes out a magnet and draws the hammerhead to her, dragging Kevin with it! Face to face with the smiling Lee, Kevin gulps and sweats in nervousness.

"No!" Kevin's screams can be heard as his house bounces up and down wildly.

Desperate to be rid of his problem and not willing to pay Eddy, Kevin meets with some people in **The Lane** for an unlikely alliance. A _highly_ unlikely alliance, one might add. An alliance with _them._ His greatest rivals. The Lemon Brook Lumpers football team. Only their silhouettes can be seen, however.

"We got a deal or what?" Kevin folds his arms. He shakes hands with the one in the middle. That same day, he accompanies them to **Park n Flush** , where they stand ominously in front the Kankers' trailer.

* * *

In Eddy's garage, Eddy listens to Sarah's problem, the latter being on her best behavior due to her recalling her brother's fury in **Little Ed Blue**. Edd finishes reading the revised BPS script in the background.

"You sure it's not under your bed again?" Eddy asks, recalling **The Edtouchables**.

"Y-yes." Sarah shivers in fear of her brother, who folds his arms as he looks down on her with sternness.

"Fine." Eddy motions for Sarah to pay up. "Eight dollars."

"What?!" Sarah stands up in rage. "That's robbery, fathead!"

Ed zips in front of Sarah and gives her a menacing look as thunder sounds in the background. Sarah immediately balks and laughs nervously as she takes out eight dollars, "I mean, sure! Sounds fair!"

"Thank you!" Eddy takes the money condescendingly. "Ed, go help your sister out."

As he readies to comply and the garage door opens, an angry, defeated Kevin stands in the driveway covered with kiss marks and wearing women's underwear over his shorts and a bra atop his head where his hat was. It seems that even the Lemon Brook Lumpers are no match for the sisters' brutality.

"Goodness." Edd gasps.

"Wow." Eddy bursts out laughing hysterically. "Ready to swallow your pride, shovelchin? Or you wanna keep swallowing Kanker spit?"

"You'd know what that's like, dorkfather." Kevin hands Eddy a clip of money; about 20 dollars altogether.

"Ed! Take care of it." Eddy orders. "Your sister first."

Ed leaves with both Sarah and Kevin.

* * *

That night, for some reason, Eddy has Edd and Ed install false double-doors made of boxes in front of his opened garage. Nazz shows up, to which Eddy, now wearing a different set of dress clothes, responds to by walking up to her.

"Kevin says thanks." Nazz reveals. "Don't get why he couldn't do it himself."

"He's Kevin. I'm an Ed. What's there to get?" Eddy shrugs as she nods in agreement.

"So, uh, how'd you guys get the Kankers to back off of Kevin? Or Rolf? Or Jonny?" Nazz wonders.

Eddy politely replies, "Please, Nazz. Don't ask me about my business."

Eddy steps behind the false double-doors to speak with Edd just as Ed walks up to them and slowly closes them in front of Nazz.

"What? We can't end this episode without doin' somethin' like that." Eddy tells Edd from inside.

"Boys." Nazz walks away rolling her eyes.


End file.
